Working Life Challenges

Yes, it is true, I have many years of experience in office life to be able to impart some Points of Prue on how to survive it! Thanks for asking, Angela.

When I started out in advertising, I was as crazy, passionate and highly strung as the next guy. I have been told that the most mixed-up kids end up surviving the best in the stressful, back-stabbing, deadline and budget-driven business that is advertising. My opinion ? They are right.

1)      Handling Stress.

My opinion is that you have to learn how to manage your stress as early on as you can. Burn out, breakdown or being fired, could be the result of not learning how to. Many turn to the bottle, others to sex, others to meditation, yet others to total seclusion on weekends. Whatever it is that “floats your boat”, as Ryan Seacrest would say, learn how to use it well.

In my early years, I could not handle it well and was calmly asked by an ex boss to take a week’s leave to “recover my mind” after I pulled an electric typewriter out of the socket and flung it at him. (In case you are wondering, he survived unscathed, as he equally as calmly closed the door on the fast approaching killer-typewriter. The door didn’t survive!)

I also think that a certain amount of stress is necessary to get the job done. 

Learn how to turn it into positive, driving energy so that deadlines and late nights are a pleasure. 

Learn how to use its adrenalin rush to perform killer presentations. (Acting classes at school and a touch of the extrovert, also help.) 

Learn how to spot a stress attack in your colleagues and niftily avoid them when one is looming. (That must be the training gained while avoiding abusive parents, that formed mixed-up kids, helping there!) Learn how to spot your own acute stress attack so that you can control its destructive behaviour before it happens. 

Do not give in to pressure to perform; be confident in your ability. 

After all, you are still employed, so you must be doing something right.

Believe me, over time, you will panic less, see problems as opportunities rather than as problematic obstacles, channel stress into positive energy and generally perform better. 

Remember that you chose your job or career. You choose to stay there. Yet it is still only a job. Your life is so much more than your job. It is not worth the stress and destruction that stress can wreak in the bigger picture. You can leave it behind.

2)      Managing Colleagues.

Actually, this request was for my Point of Prue on managing difficult work colleagues. But I believe that managing colleagues means managing them all so that none are difficult. There will be nasty characters, there will be those that suck you dry then claim your work as theirs and there will be those who seem to do nothing yet get all the glory and promotions. And there is you. 

My opinion is that you should use all of them to your advantage, and yet, that you should mind your own business and do your job as well as you can. But I have to caution that I am lousy at office politics. I refuse to enter into it. I refuse to play the game. And that has got me into situations that have led to my resignation as others around me DO play the game and have survived better. So you may want to skip this point and learn how to manage colleagues from a master of office politics – there are plenty out there!

I believe that you must be a chameleon on order to manage difficult people. 

Become the person they respond to. Learn to work with them. 

Be sure not to irritate them or cross them. But don’t ever be subservient to them as they will use that against you. 

Learn how you can be useful to them. Seek out what it is they live for and use that knowledge to tame them so that they become less difficult. 

And remember that you are the one learning from all of this. 

Of course, there will be some colleagues who are just plain nasty; try to steer clear of them if you can and never give them ammunition to use against you. 

And also know that these people are colleagues, you leave them behind when you go home.

3)      Self Confidence at work.

How do you learn to exude self confidence in the office? 

There are always things that you can do that others cannot. Write them down and reflect on them when you are feeling insecure. 

Write down all the things that you have done well, done on time, done better than expected, done without being asked, done that went beyond the requested, done that was creative or out-of-the-box etc. 

Review that list each Monday morning and be surprised by its length. 

Feed your self confidence barrel with these deeds. 

Realise that you are valuable and are contributing to the team. 

Watch and emulate how confident people carry themselves, tall and upright, a faint smile on their lips, a positive gaze. They sit in the “power seat” in a meeting environment. They command the room. They speak when necessary in a low, level voice. They are neither arrogant nor brash. They fit in to the mood of the moment. 

Practise acting like a confident person, it will rub off very fast and become you. 

Practise the look, the voice, the poise in the mirror at home and at parties. 

Mix with those around you who are confident, with the mindset that you are as confident as they are. Anything is possible, you just have to believe in yourself. 

I believe in the saying, “… whether you believe you can, or believe you cannot, you are right.” 

To be self confident, there is only one belief for you, right? 

In the words of Little Toot, the tug boat “ I can do it. I can do it.”

Cat Care

Living with cats all my life has allowed me to acquire a vast wealth of cat husbandry knowledge. 

I am asked my opinion on many things cat-care related, so let me share these Points of Prue with you now.

I would like to say first, though, that many people do not like cats due to their aloof, independent nature.

Let me say for the record, that this is exactly why one would love to share one’s life with a cat!

(And this is coming from a dog-lover!)

1)      Kitten care.

There are so many things to watch out for here, if the kitten is separated from its

mother in its first month.

Handle it very gently, keep it warm, test that the kitten milk is warm, massage the body gently in a stroking motion from head to tail, and, even if the eyes are still shut, wash them gently with a warm facial tissue, from the inside to the outside. You must also encourage it to pee after each feed; take a warm, moist cloth and wipe the evacuation area from the tail downwards. This will cause the pee, and maybe soft stools, to come out, as it imitates the action the mother makes with her tongue to cause evacuation.

Once your kitten is about a month and a half old, you can start feeding it soft, soft kitten food. Helping the kitten to pooh regularly is most important at this stage. At this age, you can also start playing with the kitten to encourage natural hunting instincts, using scrunched up paper balls or socks. Remember that, like a baby, its eyes will not be able to focus well, so keep movements slow and within three feet of the kitten.

Do not use fresh milk to feed a kitten as this will cause a stomach upset. If you do not have kitten milk, use a powdered baby milk or a watered down condensed milk mixture. Do not attempt to cut the claws, they are very soft and easily injured at this age.

And please, at the first sign of distress of any kind, bring your little bundle of joy to a vet. 

2) Bringing a new cat into your home where another single cat already lives – a tricky one, always.

No matter your reason, your cat does not understand why you are taking away his single status. Cats are very territorial and whether the new cat is a kitten, and it is easier with a kitten, a teenager or an adult cat, it is an intruder which your first cat will resent.

If you can, separate the two for a few days. Allow your first cat to sniff the door, hiss and spit and generally cause a fuss. Do not scold it, pamper it. While stroking and praising your cat, create images in your head of the two cats sitting together. If you can, do this as if you are the first cat and are sitting with the new cat. Slowly bring the new cat to the first cat and introduce them, being sure to pay the first one the respect, not the new one.

If in Asia, kowtow the new cat to the first one. Actually, you can do this wherever you are. The principle is to have the new cat on a lower level than the existing cat so that the existing cat is not threatened.

Once the two are able to be in the same room as each other, start feeding them together. Always feed your first cat first. There will be spats for a few days as the pecking order is established, but it should not go on for more than a week. They will find their own order, even if it is to ignore each other! Not all cats will play together, some not for a year, and some never.

3) Peeing/spraying.

This is how the cat marks its territory. If another smell covers its own smell, especially that of another cat, and this applies to toms or queens, it will rub its lips over it and even spray a little urine on it to reclaim the territory.

A queen will pee, a tom will spray, even if they have been sterilised. Once a patch has been sprayed on, it is very hard to stop a repeat performance. You can sprinkle white pepper over the area, wipe vinegar or better yet, rub the peel of an orange over it. If caught early enough, this may stop the marking. You can also place a litter tray on or beside the area, in the hope of distracting the cat from its purpose.

Remember that scolding or hitting the cat will not stop this most basic of natural instincts.

4) Sterilisation.

My Point of Prue on this is that it is a must for us to bring our pets to a vet and get them sterilised. That is neutered for a male and spayed for a female.

And, if we have the means, to befriend strays and sterilise them also, returning them to their homes and ensuring they are well fed and cared for and their area kept clean. There are too many unwanted animals living around us; we must be responsible pet owners and ensure that we do not contribute to its proliferation.

Sterilisation is also beneficial to many cats in terms of preventing disease and straying.

For more information on this, please visit SPCA Singapore’s website at http://www.spca.org.sg/help_us/sterilisation.asp

5) Scratching.

Cats need to manicure their claws. If they are not outdoor cats where their claws are maintained naturally, it is good to provide them with a scratching post. This can be home made or store bought. All that is needed is a rough surface that can withstand their repeated scratching and provide resistance. Many cats will seek out a favourite piece of furniture to scratch, sometimes even if a scratching post is provided. This can be stopped if caught early enough. Methods include spraying water at the cat while it is scratching, shooing them away, or rubbing orange zest or pepper on the furniture under attack. Sad to say, once the habit is ingrained, it is unlikely to be broken.

6) Fleas.

Should you be unfortunate enough to have a cat catch fleas, know that cat fleas are not interested in humans, neither do they bite us. They do, of course, disturb your cat. Look out for clusters of tiny black specks at the base of the fur near the skin. Once you see this, you know your cat has fleas. Apply a safe flea powder to the fur, combing it well in to the roots, and use a carpet and rug cleaner to kill those who have already jumped off.

Read up about natural and safe flea prevention at http://www.care2.com

7) Giving Medicine.

This is a very trying experience, however the stress of this can be minimised for both cat and giver. While you are calm and relaxed, hold your cat firmly by the scruff (the area of lose skin at the back of the neck, just before the shoulder blades) and face it away from you. Open the jaws gently and place the pill as far back in the throat as you can. Close the jaw, covering the nostrils at the same time. Once the cat has swallowed, let go of the nose and give it a stroke. If the medicine is in liquid form, use a child’s syringe, or the one the vet will give you, and place the end into the cat’s lips at the corner, where there are no teeth, and depress the plunger. Again, close the jaw and nostrils until the cat swallows. It is possible to mash the medicine into food or milk, but some finicky and suspicious cats will suss this ruse immediately and not go near it!

8) Showering.

Cats, contrary to popular belief, are not afraid of water, what they are afraid of is being drowned. If a cat feels her paws are submerged in water, the drowning fear will activate. So, it is best for showering if you can raise your cat’s paws out of the water. Stand your cat on a draining basket, wire rack or similar, so that the water drains away.

Hold your cat firmly by the scruff and pour water over her body, shampooing as you go. Leave the face until last and be careful not to pour water into her eyes. Wrap her in a towel and rub vigorously as a post-shower treat. If your cat is a short-hair, and has not fallen in any ditches or rolled in any disagreeable substances, it is quite acceptable to leave a cat un-showered, as they are excellent at performing the washing ritual themselves.

9) Nail clipping.

The best way to do this is either to pin the cat, face forward, between your legs and clip each paw in turn, or to wrap the cat in a towel and extract a paw at a time. If your cat struggles while clipping, I suggest the first option. Of course, if you allow your cat to run outside and climb trees, you will not need to clip their claws!

10) Ghost sightings.

Yes, it is true, cats CAN see ghosts. If you see a cat staring into the distance for a long time, when you can see nothing there, they could be witnessing a spirit passing from another world. Or, if you see your cat suddenly wake up and rush out of the room, it is likely she is warning off a ghost for you.

The myth that a cat sitting on your chest while you sleep will suck your the breath away, is a myth. Cats will sleep on your chest to either get comfort from your warmth and regular breathing, snuggling up tight or to protect you from harm during the night.

11) Which brings me to my next tip; cats are an excellent early warning system.

They are able to detect danger, say an unwelcome presence, fire or a storm brewing, for example, well ahead of it happening. Be alert to your cat’s behaviour and use it as the warning that it is. If they run under the bed, close your windows, a storm is coming. If they run out of the room, pay attention, a visitor is coming. If they seem agitated and try to get your attention, a fire, or other hazards, could be about to happen.

Let me share a lovely instance of “early warning” with you, that reinforces the belief that cats have the power of ESP. (Extra Sensory Perception.)

Harry, our wonderful cat of 11 years, would magically appear at the gate to greet me whenever I drove back home. He would always be there. I wondered if he sat there all day, waiting for me. So I conducted an experiment. 

Over several different occasions, I asked my husband to tell me where Harry was while I was out. He said that he was everywhere, but at the gate. Then, suddenly, he would move and go to his position at the gate. Sure enough, within minutes, I would appear. He couldn’t have heard the car as he arrived at the gate too soon to hear it. And it wasn’t that I came home at the same time every day. I could come from either direction, at any time, and he would still be there. 

I cannot express enough how wonderful it is to have your cat waiting for you when you come home. A cat, who by nature is usually so independent, wanting to share his space with you.

Cats are a joy! Just ask any cat owner – but be warned, they will wax lyrical on the subject!

Soothing a fretting baby

Anyone will tell you that I am not the most patient of people when it comes to babies.

So the tricks I have learnt to pacify a crying baby are sought by many, because they really do work!

I believe that the first trick is to be totally calm yourself. A baby can pick up your stress and anxiety and turn that into a crying episode. So, assuming you cannot simply give your baby to someone else when it cries, try one, or all, of these!

1)      Rocking

Invest in a comfortable rocking chair and practise rocking in it, carrying something baby shaped and sized, so that you perfect YOUR most comfortable position. Then, simply carry the baby up and rock gently on the chair next time it cries.

2)      Singing

This activity goes well with rocking and is soothing to both you and your baby. Sing any tune or song, be it happy, sad, jazz, rock, lullaby, pop, just sing!

3)      Car rides

A favourite when all else has been tried and failed is to take your wee one for a drive to nowhere. The soothing sound of the engine and gently motion work wonders. I also believe that the fact a baby is cocooned in a car seat helps greatly. Baby feels safe in this environment. Just be sure you are not too tired yourself to drive around and of course, drive safely. There is only one hitch to this method; once the drive is over and baby is sleeping soundly, you have to work with extreme care to life baby out of the car seat without waking it, or all your effort will have been in vain!

4)      Swaddling

I was beginning to think this was an Asian thing, but I saw a character on Lost use this method too! Babies like to be cocooned. Wrap baby up tight, keeping their arms by their side as you do so. Make sure the swaddling is well wrapped over the legs, not just the arms, so that kicking will not free the tiny feet and cause the baby to fret again.

5)      Massage

And the most rewarding, give baby a gentle massage with oil, even with something fragrant like tea tree, eucalyptus or lavender oil. Start at the shoulders and work your way down to the toes. You will both enjoy this activity.

I believe the best thing I can say is, enjoy your baby. Baby will all too soon grow up and you will find you miss these soothing and very close moments.

(Of course, if there is something wrong with baby, ill, teething, colic, wet bottom, fix that first before trying these soothing methods!)

Teenagers

I was a terrible teenager; I wanted to be a nuisance. 

So the Points of  Prue on this subject are very biased. 

I offer them as insights for parents whose teenagers are acting up, not acting up, being defiant, or just being teenagers. I also offer them up for teenagers who are struggling with emotions of their own, so that, if any of these strike a chord, they will know they are not alone.

Annoying your parents.

Yes, teenagers will go out of their way to annoy their parents. Whatever they are asked to do, they will do the opposite. Whatever they are not wanted to do, they will do. Love them throughout this phase, unconditionally and they will come back to you. Try to fight them or ignore them emotionally, and a bigger rift will be created.

In fact, I think it is out of love that a teenager acts up. He wants to be the centre of attention. He wants his parents to be outraged. He wants to make his mark. He wants to upset and disturb you. For he knows that he is loved when he gets a reaction. 

And a parent needs to know that, deep down, their teen is bothering to act out because they love you. If they didn't, you wouldn't be worth their effort.

If you can, know the difference when your teenager is being annoying deliberately and when they are simply asking for help.

Cry for Help

There are many sites and books available on this subject – please read up on the subject if you have a teenager or, better yet, a child approaching these trying years. You will be able to understand them and yourself, and cope. You do not want to miss the signs, or, worse, create the environment that causes your teenager to have to cry for help. It is usually too late if you bury your head in the sand and pretend it will be smooth sailing.

I had friends who called for help by trying to commit suicide. One did. My mother tried it in many, many ways. Neither seeing someone die, or seeing them pretend to want to, is fun. Read up on the signs and be prepared. Knowledge is everything.

Crushes

Oh man, can crushes hurt! Squeezing your heart until you can’t breathe. To be in love with someone who doesn’t even know you exist. Or to be in love with someone who is unavailable to you. You spend sleepless nights and hazy days thinking of them. Your appetite suffers. Your moods swing. Your work suffers. You don’t want the company of your friends. You listen to soppy songs and create daydreams and fantasies.

The hurt is real. But, believe me, it goes away. Eventually. You will recover your senses. You may be lucky and turn the crush into a real relationship. But mostly it will be experience stored away for the real thing. 

I recommend writing down your feelings. Those of despair, love, frustration, joy, desire, longing, rejection. Write them in a diary, a song, a poem. When you look back on the words years later, you will have a good laugh. You may even be able to use them in some way. Or shout about it in a room or place where no one can hear you. Or draw about it. The idea is to get it off your chest. And I have learnt that sharing these feelings with your friends is NOT good. Even your best friend. They have fodder against you, to tease you, humiliate you, blackmail you. Even your very best friend may not be the right one to tell. If you are lucky, a parent could be. Or a sibling. You will know the kind of relationship you have with them and if you can trust them just to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on.

My Point of Prue is that the saying, “time heals” is true here. Just bear it out in the best way you can.

Experimentation

Teenagers will try whatever is available to them. Especially if it is forbidden, or if it is taboo, or glorified by being “hidden” or unexplained. 

A friend recently asked me how to explain to his son about drug addiction. I offered that he draw the son’s attention to other “addictions” that he had, then withdraw them and have him note and experience what it is like to feel addicted and out of control. Drinking his favourite soft drink, eating chocolate or chicken rice, shopping for shoes, jeans, make up, talking on the phone, computer games, online chat, text messaging, whatever! For a young teenager, these things will not seem like an addiction until they are withdrawn. And that is how drugs get you too. You won’t feel addicted until it is way too late. All teenagers these days know about the dangers of substance abuse. It is the addiction that they must learn about, and learn why it is better never to even try them.

So I am advising to talk about everything. Sex, drugs, drinking, smoking, self mutilation,  etc. Explain everything as early as you can in as simple a way as you can. Don’t create taboos and gloriously forbidden things. Teach some lessons if you have too, provided no harm comes from it and provided it is done with huge amounts of love and affection. And be there to help and give love when transgressions are made. Do not be too quick to condemn.