Teenagers

I was a terrible teenager; I wanted to be a nuisance. 

So the Points of  Prue on this subject are very biased. 

I offer them as insights for parents whose teenagers are acting up, not acting up, being defiant, or just being teenagers. I also offer them up for teenagers who are struggling with emotions of their own, so that, if any of these strike a chord, they will know they are not alone.

Annoying your parents.

Yes, teenagers will go out of their way to annoy their parents. Whatever they are asked to do, they will do the opposite. Whatever they are not wanted to do, they will do. Love them throughout this phase, unconditionally and they will come back to you. Try to fight them or ignore them emotionally, and a bigger rift will be created.

In fact, I think it is out of love that a teenager acts up. He wants to be the centre of attention. He wants his parents to be outraged. He wants to make his mark. He wants to upset and disturb you. For he knows that he is loved when he gets a reaction. 

And a parent needs to know that, deep down, their teen is bothering to act out because they love you. If they didn't, you wouldn't be worth their effort.

If you can, know the difference when your teenager is being annoying deliberately and when they are simply asking for help.

Cry for Help

There are many sites and books available on this subject – please read up on the subject if you have a teenager or, better yet, a child approaching these trying years. You will be able to understand them and yourself, and cope. You do not want to miss the signs, or, worse, create the environment that causes your teenager to have to cry for help. It is usually too late if you bury your head in the sand and pretend it will be smooth sailing.

I had friends who called for help by trying to commit suicide. One did. My mother tried it in many, many ways. Neither seeing someone die, or seeing them pretend to want to, is fun. Read up on the signs and be prepared. Knowledge is everything.

Crushes

Oh man, can crushes hurt! Squeezing your heart until you can’t breathe. To be in love with someone who doesn’t even know you exist. Or to be in love with someone who is unavailable to you. You spend sleepless nights and hazy days thinking of them. Your appetite suffers. Your moods swing. Your work suffers. You don’t want the company of your friends. You listen to soppy songs and create daydreams and fantasies.

The hurt is real. But, believe me, it goes away. Eventually. You will recover your senses. You may be lucky and turn the crush into a real relationship. But mostly it will be experience stored away for the real thing. 

I recommend writing down your feelings. Those of despair, love, frustration, joy, desire, longing, rejection. Write them in a diary, a song, a poem. When you look back on the words years later, you will have a good laugh. You may even be able to use them in some way. Or shout about it in a room or place where no one can hear you. Or draw about it. The idea is to get it off your chest. And I have learnt that sharing these feelings with your friends is NOT good. Even your best friend. They have fodder against you, to tease you, humiliate you, blackmail you. Even your very best friend may not be the right one to tell. If you are lucky, a parent could be. Or a sibling. You will know the kind of relationship you have with them and if you can trust them just to listen and offer a shoulder to cry on.

My Point of Prue is that the saying, “time heals” is true here. Just bear it out in the best way you can.

Experimentation

Teenagers will try whatever is available to them. Especially if it is forbidden, or if it is taboo, or glorified by being “hidden” or unexplained. 

A friend recently asked me how to explain to his son about drug addiction. I offered that he draw the son’s attention to other “addictions” that he had, then withdraw them and have him note and experience what it is like to feel addicted and out of control. Drinking his favourite soft drink, eating chocolate or chicken rice, shopping for shoes, jeans, make up, talking on the phone, computer games, online chat, text messaging, whatever! For a young teenager, these things will not seem like an addiction until they are withdrawn. And that is how drugs get you too. You won’t feel addicted until it is way too late. All teenagers these days know about the dangers of substance abuse. It is the addiction that they must learn about, and learn why it is better never to even try them.

So I am advising to talk about everything. Sex, drugs, drinking, smoking, self mutilation,  etc. Explain everything as early as you can in as simple a way as you can. Don’t create taboos and gloriously forbidden things. Teach some lessons if you have too, provided no harm comes from it and provided it is done with huge amounts of love and affection. And be there to help and give love when transgressions are made. Do not be too quick to condemn.